My shit has been a mess for a while now. It has been for the last 2 plus years. I thought I had it all figured out when I made that decision one fateful day more than 3 years ago. It turns out I really did not. I thought I was ready to take the big leap. To do whatever it takes, no matter what. I was. But I have come to realizations that it was not so.
For how could I have made such a decision that was so utterly bold, that it was bordering on the illogical, if not really reckless, without even understanding and knowing what I was getting into?
Again, I was so sure of myself for like more than 7 years ago. When I decided to take my chance at a better place, even if that place were foreign. For a while I thought that was it. It was. Yet, I blew away that chance because I lost sight of my goals.
Because I didn’t really think it through.
This time I need to do more. Now I really have to plan it through. Not just for the next couple of weeks or months, but for a lifetime.
It is not because I was being irresponsible because I am not always a responsible person. It was because I wanted to have a carefree life. That does not work. I know that now. Well, I have already known it for quite some time. I was just in denial. The damage was already too much. I needed to move on.
I bid my farewell to you. Whatever shortcomings I have had with you for the last 3 years, I ask that you forgive me. I wish you well in the years to come.
To that someone who I had spent the better part of 5 years of my life I was not really able to say good bye to you properly. It is too late to say good bye now. I have already moved on for quite some time. I know you have too. Long ago. Knowing that you are already happy in your life is enough to put a smile on this sad, weary face. It is never too late to say sorry though.
What I cannot say face to face I am saying it now in writing. I may be uncomposed and short of words when talking in person, but I am making that up here where I am more at home…. in writing…
… To the many, the few, or just the one who reads this now – this is what matters most.
I am starting another chapter in my life now. One that I wish will be full of positives. And chances. Or perhaps just one. So far it has been in the last 3 months. I have seen hope. I have been given that. Where before it was so gloomy, now I see light. This sad, weary face is no longer.
I stumble. I fumble around. I am not perfect. I try. Don’t give up today. Give up tomorrow. Someone once said that. And I feel cheap using their words here, but I fully agree with what they have said. We all make mistakes. That is part of being human. Such is life. Saying this is not about making excuses. I bear full responsibility for those mistakes. But realizing when you have made mistakes, owning up to it knowing that it can be corrected, and doing something about it, I feel, is one step towards being a better person.
I want to be a better person. I have always strived to be. For as long as I can remember. Maybe if not for anyone then to one’s self. If it could be for someone then that is all the better. Not because you owe it to them. It should not only be just for that. But because the journey that is life was never meant to be traveled alone. It never should be. It has to be with that one person.
I will hold your hand. Would you take mine? Chance. No. I will not leave it to mere chance. But I am asking for exactly just that. And when and if that happens, then I am going to face it as it should be – to make it all worthwhile by doing what is right.
I have been selfish. I have been foolish. Not for most of that time, but yet I had been even for that one time. Would it be too much to ask that I err this time but only because you allow me to so I could have this journey of a lifetime with you?